OFc staff announcement
Posted: Sun Dec 20, 2020 4:18 pm
Due to the ongoing pandemic the company have been reviewing it's structure and have come up with the following positional appointments. Some are new, some departments have been combined but we truly believe that these changes will make Ofc inc the number one club in the UK for Old Farts. Any objections to the below should be directed to our HR department as usual.
Public relations and customer complaints dept have been combined in to one Irish sweary package in the form of Schlack
HR: Slarti. Amazingly no one has ever had an issue so serious that they've been tempted to brave a visit to Slarti's office down in the basement. Calpol has volunteered to be Slarti's apprentice. Well it was nice knowing him for this short time.
IT support: Gavac. There was that unpleasant business with Fishy earlier in the year but our old IT stalwart saw off the young whipper snapper with relentless logic and a big stick.
Sax – navigation dept, responsible for providing directions to anyone staying in hotels around the world
Semper still hasn't returned to our Scandinavian office having followed one of Sax's maps, his current airline diversion has him somewhere between Bangkok and Cape Town.
Fashion Dept: Crap
Fr43nk & LK in our Austrian office continue to do good work and fr43nkly subsidise our whole operation.
Pensions & Investments dept: Mudshark continues in his role after years of success. Don't fully understand it myself and from the outside it does look as though all of our pension is invested in one place marked 'Muddy's poker fund' but so far it is keeping a roof over our heads and electrons for the server so who are we to question?
There has been some push back from the founder of our asian branch office Yoda. Jazzy has fed back to management that Yoda is actually from London but never receives a response.
Sales & marketing: Hulk & Quazerk. If things go wrong one of them turns green, angry and violent. Luckily Hulk can usually calm Quazerk down.
Middle management: Dannyf cos no other bugger can be arsed.
Catering: HotPinkOnion taking over from Crap. We hope the new HotPinkOnion recipes will be an improvement on the Crap meals we've had in the past.
We're happy to report that the Temp named Karak has been poached by a rival company thus saving us a visit to the HR dept and the ensuing cleanup costs.
Company away days: Shutty. Plentiful beer, ladies in leather. Probably our most successful employee.
Toilet cleaning: Pingu & poporing. Turns out if you don't have a voice to object you get given the shit jobs.
Accounts dept & bar supplies: Cannon & N3mes1s (no one dares chase us for payment and the bar's always stocked with Buckfast).
Driving pool: MRX, Jack & Wes. There's some debate as to whether Wes' Aussie licence is valid here but as the accounts dept are too tight to buy a car it raises less of an issue.
Out of hours clubs: Psycho. Whilst shite club has proved popular and membership seems to grow weekly it would be nice to see some other activities. Cannon has expressed an interest in flower arranging for example.
There is some concern in HR as to whether NO Fear is still an employee or not. As it doesn't appear he has ever required payment of any kind this is seen as academic in any case.
Staff Moral & announcements: Mrs Doggy (Doggy is left in the creche whilst Mrs Doggy is working)
Legal has been combined with forklift driving forcing me and Fred the forks to reapply for one job. Turns out Fred knows a surprising amount about 1900's corporate law. It wasn't looking good for me at one point until Fred got called away to the hospital and missed his last interview. To this day no one knows who told him to “get to the hospital quick you cunt” in an Irish accent.
Still, negotiated for 60% of Freds pay so a big pay rise for me.
Thank you for your attention and Merry Xmas you Ofc cunts.
Public relations and customer complaints dept have been combined in to one Irish sweary package in the form of Schlack
HR: Slarti. Amazingly no one has ever had an issue so serious that they've been tempted to brave a visit to Slarti's office down in the basement. Calpol has volunteered to be Slarti's apprentice. Well it was nice knowing him for this short time.
IT support: Gavac. There was that unpleasant business with Fishy earlier in the year but our old IT stalwart saw off the young whipper snapper with relentless logic and a big stick.
Sax – navigation dept, responsible for providing directions to anyone staying in hotels around the world
Semper still hasn't returned to our Scandinavian office having followed one of Sax's maps, his current airline diversion has him somewhere between Bangkok and Cape Town.
Fashion Dept: Crap
Fr43nk & LK in our Austrian office continue to do good work and fr43nkly subsidise our whole operation.
Pensions & Investments dept: Mudshark continues in his role after years of success. Don't fully understand it myself and from the outside it does look as though all of our pension is invested in one place marked 'Muddy's poker fund' but so far it is keeping a roof over our heads and electrons for the server so who are we to question?
There has been some push back from the founder of our asian branch office Yoda. Jazzy has fed back to management that Yoda is actually from London but never receives a response.
Sales & marketing: Hulk & Quazerk. If things go wrong one of them turns green, angry and violent. Luckily Hulk can usually calm Quazerk down.
Middle management: Dannyf cos no other bugger can be arsed.
Catering: HotPinkOnion taking over from Crap. We hope the new HotPinkOnion recipes will be an improvement on the Crap meals we've had in the past.
We're happy to report that the Temp named Karak has been poached by a rival company thus saving us a visit to the HR dept and the ensuing cleanup costs.
Company away days: Shutty. Plentiful beer, ladies in leather. Probably our most successful employee.
Toilet cleaning: Pingu & poporing. Turns out if you don't have a voice to object you get given the shit jobs.
Accounts dept & bar supplies: Cannon & N3mes1s (no one dares chase us for payment and the bar's always stocked with Buckfast).
Driving pool: MRX, Jack & Wes. There's some debate as to whether Wes' Aussie licence is valid here but as the accounts dept are too tight to buy a car it raises less of an issue.
Out of hours clubs: Psycho. Whilst shite club has proved popular and membership seems to grow weekly it would be nice to see some other activities. Cannon has expressed an interest in flower arranging for example.
There is some concern in HR as to whether NO Fear is still an employee or not. As it doesn't appear he has ever required payment of any kind this is seen as academic in any case.
Staff Moral & announcements: Mrs Doggy (Doggy is left in the creche whilst Mrs Doggy is working)
Legal has been combined with forklift driving forcing me and Fred the forks to reapply for one job. Turns out Fred knows a surprising amount about 1900's corporate law. It wasn't looking good for me at one point until Fred got called away to the hospital and missed his last interview. To this day no one knows who told him to “get to the hospital quick you cunt” in an Irish accent.
Still, negotiated for 60% of Freds pay so a big pay rise for me.
Thank you for your attention and Merry Xmas you Ofc cunts.
